Getting Old

• Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne. Life is great.
• At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
• Even duct tape can't fix stupid... but it can muffle the sound!
• Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
• I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now!
• I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
• I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
• I don’t have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I’m just very wise.
• I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
• I don't need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me!
• If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
• I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.
• I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it!
• Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet...
• Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
• My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
• Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
• Old age is coming at a really bad time!
• Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
• The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
• The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".
• When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
• Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
• You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If she is holding a gun, she's probably angry.
• You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.

Now, I’m wondering…did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?