Lion

 A game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. 
One morning, while deep in the forest, the wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle and started to look for her. 
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a big rock, a large lion stood right in front of her. 
The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" 
"Nothing," said the hunter husband. 
"How can you just do nothing?" the wife screamed at him. 
"The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it." 
x

We are laughing

 

Parking Spot

 Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking spot. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking spot, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey."

Miraculously, a parking spot appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Baseball in Heaven

 Dave and Bob, who are both 90 years old, loved baseball their whole lives. One day, Dave turns to Bob and says, "Will you promise me something? Promise me that if you die first and go to heaven, you'll come back and tell me if there's baseball there."

Bob agrees, and makes Dave promise the same. Three months later, Bob dies. The next week, Dave wakes up in his sleep with someone calling his name. "Who's there?" he called out. "Dave! It's me Bob!"

"Bob! It's so good to hear from you! How's heaven?" Dave asked. "It's great!" said Bob. "But I've got some good news and some bad news."

"Well, tell me the good news first," said Dave.

"Okay, the good news is that there is baseball in heaven."

"That's great!" Dave exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The bad news is that I was reading the lineup, and you're pitching on Friday."

Competitive Difficulties

 An overheard debate between Arnold Palmer and Ted Williams about the relative difficulties of their respective sports:

"C'mon, Arnie, how can you say that golf is harder than baseball? You hit a stationary ball, perched on a tee, with a club that has a flat face. I've got to hit a ball traveling at upwards of 100 mph — that might be curving or sinking — with a rounded bat."

"You might be right, Ted, but for one thing: You don't have to play your foul balls."

Sports Illustrated

 Nick Saban was shaving one morning early in his retirement when the phone rang and Miss Terry answered. She yelled upstairs, "Hey Nick, Sports Illustrated is on the phone for you." He rushed to the phone and said, "This is Nick Saban."

From the other end: "Good morning, Nick, this is Sports Illustrated. For $29.95, we can get you a six-month subscription."

Batteries for your hearing aids

 An older couple is sitting in church and the man whispers, "I just let out a silent fart, what should I do?" His wife says, "You should get new batteries for your hearing aids."

"What did you do that for?"

 An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. 

The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there!" 

The man said, "That's what you can do when you're young and quick.” 

This really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. 

The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you do that for?" 

The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"

MISSING SCHOOL

The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school. "Hello, this is Dunn Elementary," answers the Principal.

"Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week," replies the voice.

"Well, what seems to be the problem with him?"

We are all going on a family vacation," says the voice, "I hope it is all right."

"I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who is calling?"

"Sure. This is my father!"

Getting Old

• Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne. Life is great.
• At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
• Even duct tape can't fix stupid... but it can muffle the sound!
• Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
• I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now!
• I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
• I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
• I don’t have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I’m just very wise.
• I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
• I don't need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me!
• If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
• I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.
• I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it!
• Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet...
• Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
• My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
• Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
• Old age is coming at a really bad time!
• Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
• The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
• The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".
• When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
• Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
• You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If she is holding a gun, she's probably angry.
• You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.

Now, I’m wondering…did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?

Re-run

    1) Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

    2) Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

    3) I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

    4) If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive. 

    5) I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. 

   6) When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

    7) A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

    8) Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

    9) America is a country that produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

    10) You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense  leaving your body.

    11) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

    12) My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

    13) I think my neighbor is stalking me, as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

    14) Money talks--but all mine ever says is good-bye.

    15) You're not fat, you're just--easier to see.

    16) If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

    17) I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out"?

    18) I can't understand why women are okay that J C Penny has an older women's clothing line named Sag Harbor.

    19) My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

    20) My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon, and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.

    21) Denny's has a slogan, If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!

    22) The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.

    23) On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

    24) The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

    25) I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

    26) Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

    27) The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and, of course, Opie, were all single.  The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

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https://off-the-church-walls.blogspot.com/